MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP (AND MY FIRST POST)



TO BE HONEST, I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE THAT LIFE HAS AN SPECIFIC ORDER THAT WE ALL HAVE TO FOLLOW: CAREER  MARRIAGE  FAMILY. 

SO, EVEN SINCE A VERY YOUNG AGE, I WOULD LOOK UP TO THE DISNEY MOVIES AS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

BUT, AS THE YEARS PASSED AWAY, I WOULD START TO FIGHT AGAINST THAT ORDER BECAUSE LIFE WOULD SHOW ME THAT DISNEY MOVIES WERE A LIE, A FANTASY. LIFE WOULD SHOW ME THAT SOMETIMES YOU GET THE WHOLE TO-DO LIST DONE, AND THAT EVEN IF YOU GET TO THE FAMILY PART, THAT FAMILY CAN TEAR APART IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.

SO YES, I WOULD START TO BE MORE SCEPTIC ABOUT LOVE, BUT I WOULD ALSO – UNCONSCIOUSLY – START TO GROW ALL KINDS OF STANDARDS OF WHAT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE SHOULD BE LIKE, JUST SO I DIDN’T HAVE TO “WASTE MY TIME LIKE MY PARENTS DID”.

I HAVE TO SAY THAT I DON’T THINK THAT I’M THE PRETTIEST ONE, BUT I DID HAVE THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ATTENTION FROM THE BOYS MY ENTIRE LIFE. FINDING A COUPLE WASN’T DIFFICULT, BUT THEN AGAIN: I HAD MY STANDARDS, AND I WASN´T WILLING TO GET HURT OR TO WASTE MY TIME JUST FOR A CHILDHOOD LOVE. 

I DIDN’T PLANNED TO BE LIKE THAT FOREVER, BUT SINCE NO ONE SEEMED TO FULFILL MY EXPECTATIONS, I ENDED UP BEING SINGLE UNTIL MY 20’S. OF COURSE I HAD SOME “CLOSE FRIENDS” WHILE GROWING UP, BUT NOTHING WENT FURTHER THAN KISSING AND DATING -- AS SOON AS THINGS STARTED TO GET SERIOUS, I WOULD PUT THE LOCK TO THE DOOR OF MY HOUSE.

DON’T GET ME WRONG, I AM USING THE WORD “HOUSE” AS AN ANALOGY OF ME AS A PERSON. 

SO: MY FIRST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP HAPPENED PRETTY MUCH BY ACCIDENT. I WAS DRUNK, HE WAS DRUNK. EVERYTHING WAS SO WEIRD. WE WEREN’T FRIENDS AT ALL, WE BASICALLY ONLY KNEW OUR NAMES AND THAT WE WERE STUDYING THE SAME THING. TOO WEIRD, BUT THANKFULLY FAST BECAUSE ALL OF THE SUDDEN WE WERE VERY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. WE STARTED TO TALK ALL DAY, EVERY DAY SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING. WE DIDN’T TALK MUCH AT THE UNIVERSITY THOUGH, BUT WE WOULD GO OUT ALMOST EVERY DAY AFTER CLASSES UNTIL HE GRADUATED TWO MONTHS AFTER IT ALL STARTED.

THE THING IS THAT WE TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING AS EASY AND COMFORTABLE AS WE COULD. WE BOTH AGREED THAT WE PEOPLE ARE LIKE HOUSES, AND WHEN YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN. MORE THAN THAT, YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE RISK AND LEAVE ALL THE DOORS INSIDE YOUR HOUSE OPEN SO THE OTHER PERSON CAN GET TO KNOW EVEN THE DARKEST SIDES. YOU HAVE TO TRUST.

I WAS SCARED. I WAS USED TO BE AN SPECTATOR FOR THINGS LIKE RELATIONSHIPS. BECAUSE I WAS LEARNING, WAITING… AND IN ALL THAT TIME I ONLY COUNTED ALL THE BROKEN HEARTS. I ONLY SAW ALL THE HOUSES BURNING DOWN UNTIL THE ASHES. SO YES, NOW THAT I WAS THE ONE GIVING THE KEYS OF MY HOUSE: I WAS WORRIED.

TODAY, I CAN SAY THAT ALL THAT FEAR CAME TO ME JUST BECAUSE DEEP INSIDE I KNEW IT WASN´T MEANT TO BE SINCE DAY ONE. NOT BECAUSE IT DIDN’T HAPPENED THE WAY I ALWAYS WANTED IT, BUT BECAUSE WE KEEP IGNORING THE FACT THAT WE MET IN A WRONG PLACE AT A WRONG MOMENT. WE TRIED TO MAKE THE BEST OF THAT SITUATION, BUT WE ALSO TRIED TO MAKE OF OURSELVES A BETTER SITUATION.

HE WAS A LIAR, A VERY GOOD ONE. EVEN IN OUR LASTS FIGHTS HE WOULD SAY TO ME: 
YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON I CAN´T GET TO MANIPULATE. YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING LEFT WHEN I SAY RIGHT, AND THAT HAVE BEEN GETTING ON MY NERVES BECAUSE USUALLY I CAN MANIPULATE EVERY SITUATION AND EVERY PERSON. WITH YOU I HAVE NO CONTROL. 

AT THE END, HE WOULD ADMIT THESE KINDS OF THINGS IN AN ATTEMPT OF FINALLY BEING HONEST TO ME. 

WHAT I WANT TO LEAVE CLEAR TELLING YOU THIS, IS THAT I THINK THAT HE WANTED ME TO BE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE: HE WANTED ME TO BELIEVE IN ALL THE LIES, AND TO BE PART OF THE WORLD HE CREATED FOR HIMSELF. HE WANTED ME TO ADAPT TO HIS OWN STANDARDS. 

I TRIED. AND I TRIED BECAUSE – AT THE SAME TIME – I THOUGHT HE WAS ACCOMPLISHING THE LIST OF MY OWN STANDARDS. 

HE WOULD CONSTANTLY TELL ME THAT HE LEARNED A LOT FROM HIS PAST EXPERIENCES, AND THAT SINCE I DIDN’T HAD ANY EXPERIENCE HE WOULD BE THE ONE WITH MORE KNOWLEDGE IN THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. IF WE WANTED TO GET ALONG WE ONLY NEEDED TO FOLLOW HIS ADVICES, MY EXPECTATIONS WERE WRONG AND USELESS. THA'S HOW MY STANDARDS WERE REDUCED TO NOTHING, AND THAT’S HOW HE ACCOMPLISHED THEM.

IT WASN’T A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AT ALL. I WOULD BREAK UP WITH HIM EVERY TIME THE LIES WERE TOO MUCH, THEN HE WOULD COME TO ME ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS… THAT’S HOW WE ENDED UP LASTING MORE THAN A YEAR AND A HALF TOGETHER. AND WE GOT TO A CERTAIN POINT IN WHICH I DESERVED EVERYTHING THAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME: AFTER ALL, I WOULD ALWAYS BELIEVE IN HIM. I BELIEVED THAT HE WAS THE ONE WITH MORE EXPERIENCE, AND THAT HE WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING IT RIGHT. I BELIEVED IN ALL THE PROMISES, THE STORIES, THE EXCUSES, AND ALL THE “I WANT YOUR HOUSE TO BE MY HOME” BULLSHIT… I BELIEVED ALL OF THAT. 

BUT I COULDN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. 

THE LAST BREAK-UP WORDS WERE ALSO MINE. ONCE AGAIN, I WAS ENDING UP WITH HIM; AND ONCE AGAIN, HE WOULD ASK ME WHY. BUT THAT TIME, WE WOULD MAKE IT THE LAST TIME: THE LAST BREAK UP. WE HAD TO.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS… JUST A BUNCH OF MISTAKES. IT WAS HARD, HE KEPT TEXTING ME TO SAY HOW LONELY HE WAS. WE SAW EACH OTHER AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL I FOUND OUT ABOUT MORE LIES. HE EVEN LIED TO HIS FRIENDS ABOUT ME THE WHOLE TIME, SAYING THINGS LIKE: HE WAS TIRED OF ME, THAT HE WAS THE ONE ALWAYS BREAKING UP WITH ME AND THAT I WAS THE ONE ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS. HE  DOWNLOADED AN APP TO FIND A NEW GIRL, AND HE WOULD GO OUT WITH ME WHILE TRYING TO FIND HER. HE ALSO LIED TO HER.

AND MORE… TO MAKE IT SHORT: IT TURNED INTO A HUGE DRAMA MIXED WITH A LOT OF TOXICITY. 

AGAIN, I COULDN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT WE DID, WHAT WE SAID TO EACH OTHER IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS WERE JUST TOO MUCH. 

WE DESTROYED OUR HOUSES.

AFTER ALL THAT, HE DIDN’T STOPPED WRITING ME. LIKE IF NOTHING HAPPENED. 

AT FIRST I WAS MAD ABOUT THAT, BUT THEN IT STARTED TO AFFECT MY HEALTH IN SO MANY WAYS, THAT I JUST STOPPED ANSWERING. 

I GAVE UP.

I STARTED TO REBUILD MY HOUSE, AND I’VE LEARNED SO MANY THINGS IN THAT PROCESS THAT I’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE PEOPLE READING THIS BLOG. THIS WAS JUST ONE EXPERIENCE, MY FIRST EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD.

MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP DIDN’T HAPPENED THE WAY I WANTED IT... AND I ACCEPT THAT.

ACTUALLY IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WASN’T EVEN GOOD SINCE THE BEGINNING, BUT I STAYED BECAUSE I DECIDED TO BELIEVE IN HIS WORDS: WORDS THAT HAD NO BACKBONE. BECAUSE IT WAS EASIER THAN ADMITTING THAT I WAS WASTING ALL THAT TIME AND FEELINGS IN SOMEONE LIKE HIM… NOW I ACCEPT THAT.

HE PROBABLY KEEP LYING TO EVERYBODY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, JUST TO MANIPULATE THE SITUATION… I ACCEPT THAT.

MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP WASN’T MY FIRST LOVE. AND I ALSO ACCEPT THAT.

AFTER ALL: IT’S ALL ABOUT ACCEPTANCE. 

DON’T WORRY, THIS IS THE LONGEST POST I THINK I’LL WRITE IN THIS BLOG. I JUST REALLY WANTED TO SHARE ONE OF THE EXPERIENCES THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE PROCESS OF GETTING TO KNOW MORE ABOUT LOVE, SELF LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND LIFE. 

OF COURSE I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO GET THE WHOLE PICTURE OF WHAT HAPPENED JUST WITH A POST LIKE THIS ONE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THIS IS THE PAST. WHAT I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU  IN THIS BLOG IS THE PRESENT, AND I HOPE TO HAVE YOU ALL IN MY FUTURE. 

WELCOME TO LEXANDRA’S....

SEE YOU IN THE NEXT POSTS.

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